- When do kangaroos celebrate their birthdays? During leap year!
- Did you hear about the boy who kept stealing rhubarb? He was put into custardy
- Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything
- What do bees do if they want to catch public transport? Wait at a buzz stop
- What do you get if you cross a worm with a baby goat? A dirty kid
- What’s green and short and goes camping? A boy sprout
- Why was the glow-worm unhappy? Her children weren’t very bright
- How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance? Voodoo like to dance with me?
- Why did the girl take a load of hay to bed with her? She wanted to feed her nightmare
- Why did the girl give cough syrup to the pony? Because someone told her it was a little horse.
- What’s the best way to catch a monkey? Climb a tree and act like a banana
- Why did the little boy keep running around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up with his sleep
- Knock Knock Who’s there? Abbott! Abbott who? Abbott time you opened this door!
- How do you make a potato puff? Chase it around the garden
- Danny, why did Sammy run through the screen door? Because he wanted to strain himself
- If mounties always get their man, what do postmen always get? Their mail
- Why are giraffes good friends to have? Because they stick their necks out for you
- What fur do we get from a tiger? As fur as possible
- What would you get if you crossed a teacher with a vampire? Lots of blood tests
- Be sure to go straight home after playing I can’t, I live around the corner
- What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo cluck
- Doctor, Doctor, I can’t get to sleep! Sit on the edge of your bed and you’ll soon drop off
- What happened to the leopard who took four baths every day? Within a week he was spotless
- Why did the cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse
- Knock, Knock Who’s there? Caesar! Caesar who? Caesar quickly, before she gets away
- What happened when there was a fight in the fish and chip shop? Two fish got battered
- What the tomato say to the other one that was behind him? Ketchup!
- Duck: ´Do you have any lip gloss?´ Shopkeeper: ´Yes of course, will that be cash or card?´ Duck: ´Just put it on my bill.´
- What do you get if you cross Frankenstein with a hot dog? A Frankenfurterstein
- Do these stairs take you to the third floor? No, I’m afraid you have to walk
- What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo
- If you cross a witch’s cat and Father Christmas what do you get? Santa Claws
- What do lions say before they go out hunting for food? Let us prey
- Did you hear about the girl who got engaged and then found out her fiancé had a wooden leg? She broke it off, of course…
- What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug
- Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart? She had loved in vein
- What happened when the young wizard met the young witch? It was love at first fright
- How did the octopus couple walk down the street? Arm in arm, in arm, in arm, in arm, in arm, in arm, in arm…
- Why did Dora wear a wet shirt all day? Because the label said wash and wear
- What kind of sharks never eat women? Man-eating sharks
- What is a duck’s favorite TV show? The feather forecast
- Why was the man unhappy to win the prize for best costume at the Halloween party? Because he just came to pick up his wife
- A boy who had a broken arm asked his doctor, ´When you take off my cast, will I be able to play the drums?´ ´Of course you will´ said the doctor. ´That’s great, because I wasn’t able to play them before!´
- Why did the boy take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains
- …I’d tell you another joke about a boy and a pencil, but there’s no point.
- Mother, ´Who was that on the phone Billy?´ Billy, ´No one we knew. Just some man who said it was long distance to Australia, so I told him I already knew that.´
- Why is your brother always flying off the handle? Because he’s got a screw loose!
- That planet over there is Mars Well that other one must be Pa’s
- Neighbour, ´Why does your son jump up and down before taking his medicine?´ Mother, ´Because he read the label and it said “shake well before using”.´
- What’s a lion’s favorite food? Baked beings
- What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A fire-quacker
- What jam can’t you eat? A traffic jam
- What’s the hottest letter in the alphabet? It’s ´b´, because it makes oil boil
- Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes
- What do Hungarian monsters eat? Ghoulash
- What should you take if a monster invites you to dinner? Someone who can’t run as fast as you!
- On which day do monsters eat people? Chewsday
- Who was the fastest runner in the whole world? Adam, because he was the first in the human race
- Did you hear about the student who said he couldn’t write an essay on goldfish for his homework, because he didn’t have any waterproof ink?
- Have you heard about the gym teacher who ran around exam rooms, hoping to jog students’ memories …Or, the craft teacher who had her pupils in stitches? …Or, the cooking teacher who thought Hamlet was an omelette with bacon?
- What sort of bird steals from banks? A robin
- Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors
- How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et
- Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies’ toilet? To boldly go where no man has been before
- What do you call a crazy spaceman? An astro-nut
- What do you call a magician in space? A flying sorcerer
- What holds the moon up? Moonbeams
- What part of a football ground smells the best? The scenter spot
- What job does Dracula have with the Transylvanian baseball team? He looks after the bats
- Why didn’t the dog want to play baseball? Because he was a boxer
- What is the biggest ant in the world? An eleph-ant What’s even bigger than that? A gi-ant
- What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny
- How does a lion say hi! to other animals? Please to eat you!
- What did the termite say when she saw that her friends had completely eaten a chair? Wooden you know it!
- What do you call an autobiography of a shark? A fishy story
- What sort of music is played in the jungle? Snake, rattle and roll
- What bird is always out of breath? A puffin
- What do you get when you cross a leopard with a watch dog? A terrified postman
- What birds steal the soap from your bath? Robber ducks
- What is a parrot’s favorite game? Hide and speak
- What do you get is you cross a frog with a small dog? A croaker spaniel
- What happens when ducks fly upside down? They quack up
- Why did the Wally team always lose the tug of war? They pushed…
- Did you hear about the Karate guy that joined the army? The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself
- What did the nutty photographer do? He saved burned out lightbulbs for his darkroom
- What do Italian monsters eat? Spookgetti
- What is a monsters favorite game? Hide and shriek
- Why did the monster comedian like playing to skeletons? Because he knew how to tickle their funny bones
- What do you call a monster who comes to collect your laundry? The undie-taker
- What’s another name for a clever duck? A wise quacker
- What happened to the male bee who fell in love? He got stuck on his honey.
Jokes
Dinosaur Jokes
Q: What dinosaur was a photographer?
A: A camrasaurus!
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Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
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Q: Why doesn’t the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (extinct)
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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!
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Q: What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?
A: A Dinosaucer
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Q: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes?
A: Rep Tiles
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Q: What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business?
A: Try Sara’s Tops
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Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?
A: Tea Rex?
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Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together?
A: Dino-mite.
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Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur?
A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus.
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Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur’s Dog?
A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
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Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A: A dino-sewer.
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Q: Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun?
A: At the dino-shore